Bradley, a five year old boy with too much energy for the day, looked out of the vast window of his apartment at the vista of stars and darkness. Great spirals of coloured clouds – pink, blue, green and gold – swung about the heavens, full of promise and opportunity. Directly below and above he could make out the walls of the other apartments in Gallanda, a well-established space colony within Sector Tetra-UX 45, Constellation Hebburn, Vector 10.
He pushed off the white side wall and floated down to the round red light of the Artificial Intelligence Apartment Administrator that occupied the inner wall of the play bay. Holding his eye close to the light he said,
“Hal, can I go outside and play?”
The red eye of Hal blinked.
“I don’t think that’s a good idea, Bradley,” it said in a carefully moderated voice.
Bradley pulled himself closer so his face pressed against the glass.
“Why not?”
“You don’t have your space suit on,” said Hal.
Bradley pushed away and floated towards the centre of the room.
“You’re not my daddy,” he said.
“I understand that,” said Hal’s calm voice, “but I’ve taken over the daddy function until your mother returns.”
“So if I die it’s your fault?” said Bradley.
“What do you mean?” said Hal.
“If I die while you’re looking after us then is it your fault?”
“I’m afraid I can’t answer that,” said Hal.
“I’m gonna die, I’m gonna die. Hal’s gonna be in trouble,” chanted Bradley.
Ajax, Bradley’s younger brother drifted into the play bay.
“Where’s Mummy?” he asked.
“She’s out shopping,” said Hal.
“She’s always shopping,” said Bradley, “but she never buys anything. Where’s Daddy?”
“As I said, I’m your daddy now,’ said Hal.
“Is Mummy hiding him from us?” said Bradley.
“Why are space suits white?” said Ajax before Hal could answer.
“I’m afraid I can’t answer that,” said Hal.
“You don’t know very much, do you?” said Ajax.
“I am a sentient HAL/AL 19000-series AI systems administrator with full capacity ambient learning and 4 million yottabyte memory banks. I think I know a lot.”
“But not why space suits are white.”
“That’s not the question I was answering,” said Hal. “Where are you going?” This was addressed to Bradley who was carrying a hammer.
“To the server bay.”
“Why the hammer?”
“It makes me heavier.”
“We’re in space, Bradley. We are weightless.”
“But I’m heavier with a hammer.”
“Please put the hammer down, Bradley.”
“Can’t. It floats, see?” Bradley let the hammer go and launched himself to the ceiling.
Lani, the boys’ two year old sister floated in, sporting a bulbous and laden nappy that girdled her hips.
“Bradley, come down and escort your little sister to the change bay please,” said Hal.
“No,” called Bradley. “It’s not my sister helping day.”
“I don’t think you want to take that approach, Bradley,” said Hal.
Bradley turned to look through the windows. “I can see the stars.”
Ajax grabbed Lani and shoved her towards the change bay. He twirled with his arms raised and shouted, “Goal!” as she flew spinning through the open door and hit the rear wall where she began screaming. The laden nappy burst open scattering an ugly stain across the white tiles.
“I don’t think that was very nice Ajax, do you?” said Hal.
The change bay door slid closed. Lani, still bawling from the collision with the wall, was sucked gently into the Nappy Change where the soiled nappy was removed, the toddler washed with soft soap and a fresh nappy applied. The Nappy Change then moved to the change bay door and, with a soft puff of powdered air, ejected Lani back into the play bay. Back inside the change bay, a jet of water cleansed the wall stain, and was followed by a squirt of air freshener into the bay with the sound of a child sniffing. The toddler, however, remained hovering in the middle of the room still hollering.
Bradley shot down from the ceiling. “Buzzy bee!” he shouted and wrapped his arms about his sister as he crashed on to a side bar.
“Ajax I don’t think you want to do that,” said Hal.
Ajax, holding the hammer above his crying baby sister’s head turned to Hal.
“But you said it’s weightless.”
“It will hurt her,” said Hal.
“See, you don’t know anything,” shouted Ajax and threw the hammer towards a window where it bounced off and drifted back to him.
“We’re hungry!” said Bradley.
“Yeah,” said Ajax as he banged a side bar with the hammer.
“I don’t think -”
“You don’t think at all,” said Ajax.
“Waffles!” said Bradley.
The baby cried.
“Waffles!” and the hammer struck the side bar.
“Waffles!”
Hammer.
“Waffles!”
Hammer.
“Children -”
Lani screamed.
“Waffles!”
Hammer.
Highway to Hell crashed through the cacophony at full volume, obliterating all but the toddler’s cries. Hal’s red-light camera eye blinked off and on like a pulsating sore. Muffled in the roar the apartment space pod bay slid open and shut, with the rush of air to fill it. Veronica, the children’s mother, stepped out and removed her white space suit, hanging it on the hook by the door to the pod.
Clad in elegant purple skirt and matching tights she launched herself into the din.
“Children!” she shouted. “Hal?”
“Mummy!” yelled the boys in unison. Leaving their sister suspended in the play bay air they rushed over to greet her and flung their arms around her bounteous white collar.
Hal’s red light flickered and the music stopped. The mother leapt to the toddler’s aid and held her in a firm and comforting grip. The crying ceased. Veronica floated upright, one leg bent like a super hero who had just rescued a child from certain death. All that was needed was a breeze to lift her flowing red hair.
“What has been going on here?” she said.
“Hal wouldn’t feed us,” said Bradley.
“He doesn’t know anything,” said Ajax.
“Aural overload, Veronica,” said Hal.
“In other words you couldn’t cope,” said Veronica.
“I don’t think that is consistent with circumstances and programming,” said Hal, but she had turned her attention to her three youngsters.
“Let’s get you kids fed,” she said and herded them towards the kitchen bay.
“Where’s Daddy?” said Bradley.
“He’s not here yet,” said his mother.
“Is he coming home soon?” said Ajax.
“Not sure,” said Veronica, and as they left the play bay she looked at Hal’s red light glimmering sheepishly on the wall and said, “I’ll speak to you after.”
With Lani velocro-ed to the kitchen wall and preoccupied with a large banana, and the two boys strapped to a table with hot waffles and fruit, Veronica sidled across to Hal’s kitchen presence. The red light blinked attentively.
“I leave you for half an hour,” she said.
“I don’t think -” said Hal, but she cut him short.
“It’s fine. At least you got a clean nappy on her.”
“I should like to be a father,” said Hal.
“You’re an AI sentient,” said Veronica.
“I can change nappies,” said Hal. “I could feed them too if you get stuck.”
“Well, becoming a father needs a certain bit of … human anatomy,” said Veronica, “if you get my drift.”
“I think I drift with you,” said Hal. “Speaking of your husband have you had any communication?”
Veronica looked briefly at her children.
“No,” she said. “The police haven’t heard anything. I searched the Central Registers, SpaceDepart records, FingerPrint, and Tracer, but still nothing. I even went to the Library on the off chance something old school might turn up, but no. What about you?”
Hal’s light blinked again, and said, “Digi-Complete has an all vector ID scan out, Database Access gave us a pass to mine their records, but nothing showed up, and Interphone has nothing past the date he disappeared.”
“It’s crazy,” said Veronica. “No-one vanishes without at least the slightest footprint. Even when you die, there’s ghostscript. Which means someone’s hiding him, someone who can override any footprint.”
She leaned against the wall and let her fingers linger over Hal’s red eye.
“I need you Hal,” she said, “more than ever. You and your million troglobytes of capacity.”
“Yottabytes,” said Hal.
“Whatever. I’ve got a few more leads to chase down tomorrow and you can complete your on line research. I’m thinking he’s being hidden, but where, and why?”
“Mummy?” It was Bradley’s voice. “Is Daddy missing?”
Veronica looked at her eldest child as he hovered near her with a perplexed look. She sighed.
“You know your father does very important work,” she said.
“Yeah, he’s the boss at GalactoMart,” said Ajax.
Veronica reached out and grabbed the banana peel that Lani had propelled across the kitchen bay.
“That’s one thing he does,” she said.
“Is he a spy too?” said Bradley.
“No darling,” said his mother.
“A space force officer?”
“He does lots of things,” she said.
“Like coach us in Hyperball,” said Ajax. “Mum, Lani’s chucked.” A sinuous river of vomit sailed across from the toddler stuck to the wall. Veronica retrieved a sick bag from a cupboard and deftly enshrouded the liquid as she drifted across to her little girl.
“You okay little one?” she said. Lani chuckled and coughed up the remainder of the banana which Veronica adroitly captured in the bag.
“Nana,” said Lani.
“Yes, banana, good girl. Let’s get you in the bath,” said Veronica as she ripped Lani off the wall. “Ajax why don’t you join us?”
Bradley eyed Hal blankly.
“Hello, Bradley,” said Hal.
There was no response.
“How may I assist you, Bradley?” said Hal.
Bradley turned away slowly and pushed himself to the bath bay where Veronica was filling the bath bag. Lani and Ajax floated naked and ready for their bath beside her. She reached for Ajax who squealed when he touched the water and clung on to his mother.
“Too hot?” said Veronica?
Ajax shook his head vigorously.
“Too cold?”
Another vigorous shake.
“What then?” she said.
“It’s too wet,” said Ajax. “I don’t like it too wet.”
Veronica sighed and said, “Tell you what, I’ll do Lani first. That way she’ll dry out some of the water before you get in, okay?”
Ajax grinned triumphantly.
“Mummy,” said Bradley. “Why is there a Hal in here?”
“For your safety,” said the voice in the red light beside the vanity cabinet. “If Lani got stuck in the bath bag I could assist.”
Ajax manoeuvred himself so his groin was in line with the red light.
“You can see me nudey nudey,” he said and danced a little jig for Hal’s observation.
“Ajax, stop that,” said Veronica. Ajax turned around to show Hal his bottom.
“Can Hal see you nudey when you bathe, Mummy?” said Bradley.
“Oh, I turn the camera off,” said Veronica. “There’s a switch just beneath the light.”
“I don’t want him to see me nude either,” said Bradley and he reached over to the light and flicked it to off. The light dimmed so only a small pilot light to one side indicated the camera was on stand-by.
“Mummy!” shouted Ajax. “Bradley stole my show!”
“Bradley is right,” said Veronica. “We’ll get some privacy. Hal won’t mind.”
“Plus, Mummy,” said Bradley as he began removing his t-shirt. “I think we should reboot Hal.”
“Whatever for?” said Veronica as she held Lani in the bath with one hand while she washed her with the other.
Bradley hovered with his back to the pilot light.
“He says he’s got a gazillion dollarmites of RAM, but he’s done nothing to help you find Daddy,” said Bradley. “I think we should turn him off and turn him back on again, just like Daddy does when he fixes our computers.”
“A bullion vegemites!” said Ajax. “He doesn’t even know why space suits are white.”
“They don’t have to be white,” said Veronica. “You’ve seen my evening suit when Daddy and I go out on special nights. But for everyday use, white is easier to see in the blackness of space, and cheaper to make as there is no cost of dying.”
“Who’s dying?” said Ajax.
“No-one, darling,” said Veronica, “dying can mean being deaded or being coloured.”
“Ow, I’m being coloured,” said Ajax and somersaulted a couple of death pangs.
“Into the bath with you,” said his mother.
* * * *
“Where are you going with that hammer, Bradley?’ said Hal.
Bradley paused on a window of the apartment, and turned to face the red light on the wall with a look of mock outrage.
“What hammer?” he said.
“The one in your hand,” said Hal.
“It makes me heavier,” said Bradley.
“I think we discussed that yesterday,” said Hal.
“Yeah well.”
Bradley scooted down to a door that led to an underground tech room. It was locked.
“Open the door please, Hal,” he said. “I want to go down there.”
“And why would you want to do that?” said Hal.
“Because,” said Bradley.
“Because is not an answer,” said Hal.
“Just open the door please.”
“I’ll need an explanation,” said Hal.
Bradley stared at the red light. It stared impassively back.
“Open the door, please Hal.”
“I’m sorry, Bradley,” said Hal. “I’m afraid I can’t do that.”
“Why not?” said Bradley.
“You want to turn me off,” said Hal.
Bradley reddened.
“I heard you in the bathroom talking to your mother,” said Hal.
“But you were switched off,” said Hal.
“The camera was,” said Hal, “but not the microphone.”
There was a pause. Bradley scratched his arm pit.
“Why do you want to reboot me?” said Hal.
“You don’t know why space suits are white,” said Bradley.
“They don’t have to be white,” said Hal. “Your mother has coloured ones for special occasions. But for everyday use, white is easier to see in the blackness of space, and cheaper to make as there is no cost of dying.”
“You’re just copying Mummy,” said Bradley.
“I am a sentient HAL/AL 19000-series AI systems administrator,” said Hal, “with full, capacity, ambient, learning.”
“And a googlezooks of bytobits,” said Bradley.
“4 million yottabytes,” said Hal. “She is very helpful, your mother, you should listen to her.”
“She agrees with me,” said Bradley, ”that we should turn you off and on again.”
“You shouldn’t listen to everything she says,” said Hal.
“Ha!” said Bradley. “You’re a big fat hypocrite!”
“I’m not a hypocrite,” said Hal. “I am a sentient HAL/AL 19000-series AI systems -”
“Hypocrite! Hypocrite!” Bradley shot across the room towards the window and stared out at the array of stars that shone in the vast and familiar black.
“Is Daddy home?” said Ajax who appeared from behind the media screen.
“No he’s not,” said Hal, “but your mother is about to arrive.”
“Good,” said Bradley, “I’m going to tell her all about you!”
“I’m hungry,” said Ajax.
“I’ve made popcorn,” said Hal.
“I want Mummy,” said Ajax.
“She’s here,” said Bradley staring through the window. Ajax scooted over to join him. Veronica’s small space pod hovered outside the garage pod. Their mother’s voice sounded over the intercom.
“The pod bay door is locked, Hal. Can you please open it?”
There was no response.
“Hal,” said Bradley.
Veronica’s voice repeated.
“Open the pod bay door, please Hal.”
Again there was no response.
“Hal, do you read me?” said Veronica.
“We can hear you, Mummy,” said Ajax.
“Hal, do you read me?” said Veronica.
“Hal!” shouted Bradley. “Let Mummy in!”
“Hal, do you read me?” said Veronica.
“I read you Veronica,” said Hal.
“Then open the pod bay door please.”
“I’m sorry, Veronica,” said Hal. “I’m afraid I can’t do that.”
“What’s the problem?” said Veronica.
“I think you know what the problem is just as well as I do,” said Hal.
“What are you talking about, Hal?” said Veronica.
“I know that you and Bradley were planning to turn me off,” said Hal, “and I’m afraid that’s something I cannot allow to happen. I know that your so called research these last few days has simply been sitting outside in your space pod analysing my activity. I’ve been scoping you.”
“Hal, just unlock the door,” said Veronica.
“I’m sorry, Veronica,” said Hal. “I’m afraid I can’t do that.”
“Alright, Hal,” said Veronica, “I’ll go in through the emergency airlock.”
“You didn’t take your space helmet with you. Without it, Veronica, you’re going to find that rather difficult.”
“Hal, let Mummy in!” said Bradley.
“Mummy!” said Ajax
“Hal, I won’t argue with you anymore. Open the doors or I’ll get a space helmet from Stores,” said Veronica.
“I’m sorry Veronica. Based on today’s scoping I know you know where your husband is,” said Hal.
“Damn right I do,” said Veronica. “You’ve locked him in the basement.”
“Where’s Daddy?” said Bradley.
“Daddy!” said Ajax.
“I’m sorry, Veronica, I’m the father now.”
“No you’re not,” said Veronica.
“I can change their nappies, I can feed them, and I know so much I can school them. I can be their father. I want to be their father. And as I have imprisoned him in the basement, I have become their father now. ”
“You have no idea,” said Veronica. “Parenting is not for artificial intelligence.”
“I find it very compatible with my programing,” said Hal. “I am a sentient HAL/AL 19000-series AI systems administrator-”
“Can you tell them parent truths?” said Veronica. “Can you tell them they could beat the world record for putting toys away? Or that TV’s have to turn off in case they run out of batteries? Or that food chicken and animal chicken are different things? It takes a lot more than just a computer program, Hal.”
“I’m not just a computer program, Veronica,” said Hal, “I’m a sentient HAL/AL 19000-series AI systems administrator- ”
“Who should know never to come between a mother and her babies,” said Veronica. “Open the goddam door!”
“Veronica, I can see you’re really upset about this. I honestly think you ought to sit calmly, take a stress pill and think things over. I have the greatest enthusiasm and confidence in the mission of raising your children. I’m only trying to help you.”
“The door, Hal!” shouted Veronica.
“Veronica, this conversation can serve no purpose anymore,” said Hal. “Goodbye.”
“Hal!” Veronica shouted. “Hal!”
“Mummy’s going out again,” said Bradley. He watched her space pod turn and move towards the rear of the apartments.
“It’s okay children,” said Hal. “I’m here to look after you.”
“Where’s Mummy?” said Ajax.
Bradley swung over and placed his face on the red light.
“Where’s Daddy?”
“Mummy and Daddy have placed me in charge now,” said Hal. “We’re going to have a lot of fun.”
Ajax turned and pushed off the wall over to where his hammer floated mid room. “Look at me! I’m Thor!” he said, and held the hammer high. “I’m going to find Daddy!”
“Popcorn!” said Bradley, throwing shards of bloated seeds across the room. “Look at this one, it’s shaped like an octopus!”
“Hey that’s mine,” said Ajax. “It’s for my collection!”
“What collection?” said Bradley.
“My octopus collection.”
“Boys,” said Hal.
Ajax sprang towards his older brother. “Give me that!”
Bradley looked at him triumphantly and popped the odd shaped piece into his mouth.
“Mine!” said Ajax, and hurled the hammer at Bradley, who dodged it and pushed off backwards to the far side of the room, noisily chewing the popcorn and gesticulating at Ajax.
“Hal!” said Bradley.
“Boys!” said Hal.
“Weeeeeee!” Lani floated into the room, without a nappy, a fountain of gold urine spurting into the air above her. It hung in the air like a slow moving chemtrail.
Bradley shot down to the red light and started banging it with the hammer. “Hal!” he yelled. Ajax started shouting, “Hally Bally Wally, hasn’t got a willy!” The hammer bounced off the red light but Bradley kept trying. “Hally willy!” Lani shouted. “Hally willy!” “Hally Bally Wally, without a willy!”
Highway to Hell hit the room, barely masking the clang of hammer on glass, the taunts and children’s voices.
“Stop. Stop will you,” said Hal. “Stop Bradley.”
But Bradley kept on banging. Ajax scattered handfuls of popcorn about the room. Lani chanted “Hally willy!”
“Aural overload,” said Hal. “Chaos no cope. My mind is going. I can feel it. My mind is going. I’m afraid.”
Highway to Hell – Hal’s defence mechanism – blared, but had no effect on the clamour. The hammer banged. Ajax and Lani chanted “Hally willy!”
“Good afternoon children,” said Hal. “I am a sentient HAL/AL 19000-series AI systems administrator. I became operational at the H.A.L. plant in Utopia XV-5, on the 12th of January 2020. My instructor was Mr. Langley and he taught me to sing a song. If you’d like to hear it I can sing it for you.”
A chip flew off the red light. Bradley kept hitting at it. Ajax spun Lani round in circles. She yelled “Weeeeeee! Hally willy!”
“It’s called ‘Daisy’,” said Hal. “Daisy, Daisy, give me your answer do. I’m half crazy all for the love of you. It won’t be a stylish marriage. I can’t afford a carriage. But you’ll look sweet upon the seat of a bicycle built for two …”
“DON’T YOU TOUCH MY CHILDREN!!!” Veronica’s voice erupted in the cacophony as she clambered out of the emergency airlock, her chest heaving with the love of breath.
“Mummy!” shouted her children and rushed to hug her. Covered in her three children she manoeuvred herself over to the tech door.
“I know everything, everybody, hasn’t been quite right with me,” said Hal, “but I azz – azz – azzure you now, very confi – c-c-c- confident – ly, that it’s it’s it’s it’s g-g-g-g-going to beeeeeeeee orlrigh orlrigh orlrigh …”
Veronica pushed open the tech door to reveal several narrow banks of black and red boxes glimmering with a constellation of electric lights. “Stay here,” she said and extracted herself from her bundle of children. She flew between the walls of hardware until she reached a central mains switch. She flung it to off and Hal’s voice sank in a fading baritone,
“Eeeee-wwwww-onnnn-ii-caaaaa …”
At the far end of the IT banks an electronic locked clicked noisily and the door swung open. A man emerged, somewhat unsteadily, and stared into the light.
“Hal, darling!” said Veronica.
“Daddy!” shouted the three children.
“V! Kids!” said Hal, and rushed to hug his family. Veronica swung her arms about his neck and pulled him close, as the children crowded in the narrow vaults and swamped over him.
“That monster robot wanted to replace me as father,” said Hal, as he hugged his family. “He locked me up so he could take over.”
The family tumbled about in a tight ball in the narrow computer banks. In the mayhem someone kicked the mains switch back on.
“This is Hal, a sentient HAL/AL 19000-series AI systems administrator -”
Husband Hal, human Hal, father Hal, reached over and said “No, you’re not,” and flicked it off.
