Jim looked around him at the outdoor adventure store. It was huge. The Christmas tree was up and there were tinsels draped along the walls. The clientele seemed to be comprised of middle aged men with a penchant for check shirts and jeans.
Were they buying gifts for themselves?
Jim was more a dress shirt guy himself. The thought of camping or anything rugged invoked a disgust in him. He regretted not wearing a t-shirt or something more casual though. Feeling worried that he might stand out, he lowered his head to make himself look smaller, more ‘I’m not really here’.
Knives, knives, knives. Which aisle would they be in?
There, he spotted it. A whole shelf of them. He wanted to get a closer look but the display case was behind the counter. This meant that he would have to speak to the staff if he were to make a closer examination. He wasn’t ready to talk to anyone.
Jim approached the counter but turned into an aisle before he reached it. He pretended to look at the fishing rods in front of him while catching glimpses of the big knives behind the young looking staff.
That one! It should slice down her neck easily.
His eyes settled on a machete. A sense of excitement rose from his chest to his throat and he swallowed the unexpected flow of saliva. The blade of the machete looked menacing and the handle was thick and long. He imagined himself holding it in his hand, feeling its weight, and experimenting with the various slashing motions. He liked the length of the weapon. It meant that he didn’t have to get too close to his target.
Jim’s mouth twisted as he played back to himself what it felt like to be wronged, undervalued and unappreciated. He had tried so hard to please her. He had done what a doting husband would have done. He bought her gifts on a regular basis and he had given her full rein to the house. She could decorate it in any way that she wanted. He had no objections. As long as she was happy. She wore the pants at home. Happy wife. Happy life. His role was to provide and he was proud that he was good at it.
His career took off. But the praises that he used to get from her had dwindled. His intelligence, athletic build and kindness hardly got a mention. When he decided to take matters into his own hands and fished for compliments, he was given words like comfortable and reliable. Was that a downgrade?
But she wanted him in bed, and often. He had read that many marriages went quiet in that department after a few years, particularly once children arrived. Not for them. She didn’t want children. She wanted him. She was loyal. She didn’t work or had a lot of friends. Her world was relatively small. Even though she had never said it out loud, Jim knew that he was her universe.
The problem was that she expected the same from him. She wanted exclusivity. She didn’t like to share him with anyone, including his own family. She didn’t like his family and any family gatherings became a major stress point. Jim felt like he had to lead a double life just to stay in touch with his sibling. But the sex was there and he wasn’t going to complain.
When she was unhappy with the neighbours, and there were many things to be unhappy about, Jim had to resolve them for her. Her needs were endless and always more urgent than his own. On occasions where he wanted to buy something just for himself, she would make him feel like he didn’t have very good taste in his choice. He had made a stupid mistake in his purchase. Even though she still wanted him in the bedroom, it felt less good. It had become another job that he had to do for her.
This is not right. I gave and gave and gave. I even gave up having children. I took a big hit from my family with that decision. But I supported her choice. She took and took and then wanted more. Really, what am I to her? Just somebody she could use? Does she even see me as a person? Well, she is terribly mistaken if she thinks that she can use me forever.
He could feel the heat from his neck rise up to his face. He imagined her frightened face as he stood in front of her with the machete. You’re sorry now, aren’t you? He imagined himself slashing across her chest and blood going everywhere. He slashed and slashed again as if he was cutting into a cake.
‘Do you need any help, or are you just browsing?’
Jim jumped as a man’s voice came behind him. Startled by both the voice and the violence of his own imagination, he rubbed his mouth to scratch a non-existent itch. The voice was from the young staff who had since moved from the counter to stand behind him.
‘No, I’m fine thanks. I’m just browsing,’ Jim replied in a hoarse voice.
‘Just let me know if you need any help,’ the staff turned to walk away.
‘No wait, I’d like to get this,’ Jim grabbed a random fishing rod from the shelf in front of him.
‘Sure,’ the young staff took the fishing rod from Jim and walked back to the counter. Jim followed.
‘What’s your name?’ Jim asked the young staff as he scanned the barcode of the fishing rod.
‘My name is John.’
‘John, is the fishing rod any good?’
‘Shimano is a really good brand. Very popular. What are you catching?’
Jim paused for a second to consider whether this was a trick question.
‘Hmm…Fish?’ He replied hesitantly.
‘Sorry, I meant what type of fish? Fresh water or salt water?’
‘Oh, salt water. You know, from the sea,’ Jim knew nothing about fishing.
‘A fishing trip with family and friends over the holidays?’
‘Yeah, yes, a fishing trip indeed.’
‘Where are you guys going?’
‘Hmm…we haven’t decided yet. My mate has a boat and he’ll decide on the day.’
‘Nice.’
‘He likes to surprise me,’ Jim added in case his response wasn’t convincing. He wasn’t so convinced himself. But he regretted saying it the moment he said it. He had just made the conversation worse.
‘Do you need any accessories?’
‘What do you mean?’
‘Like hooks, sinkers or lines?’
‘Right. Do you think you can help me pick some of those? Just pick whatever you think is appropriate.’
‘Sure thing,’ John left the counter to help Jim with his items.
Jim was relieved to be left alone so that he could take a closer look at the machete. It was the biggest knife that he had seen. It looked menacing. Perfect! He couldn’t wait to get his hand on it. He squinted at the price tag which read “$89.50”.
Bloody hell. Is that it? I could buy a weapon for under a hundred bucks. That’s crazy!
Jim smiled.
‘You must be looking forward to the fishing trip. You seem really happy.’ John commented as he returned with a bunch of items.
‘Right…’ Jim was embarrassed that he was caught out twice by the same person.
‘See that big knife behind you, should I get that for the fish?’ Jim directed John’s gaze to the machete with his finger.
‘The machete? No, it’s too big. You’ll probably need something like this instead.’ John opened the glass case and took out a much small knife with a jagged edge.
Jim was disappointed with the size. He would have to get up close and stabbed her instead. He preferred to be a little further back.
‘No, that’s fine. Just out of interest, what do people use the big knife for?’ Jim tried a second time.
‘The machete is for the serious hikers who go into the jungle or deep into the bush. Or farmers use them a lot. But they don’t buy them here.’
‘I like to hike. Maybe I should get one for my hiking.’
‘Sure. I will need some id from you though if you want to take that.’
‘ID?’
‘Yes, it’s a controlled weapon and we will need to register the owner.’
‘A weapon? Seriously? Ha, come on, who would use it as a weapon?’ Jim laughed nervously in case John could see through him. He wiped his perspiration from his brow and then handed his driver’s license over.
Jim fidgeted while he waited for John to register him and to process his purchases.
‘There you go. All sorted. Be careful with this one and good luck with the catch,’ John smile brightly as he handed the machete and fishing gear over. Jim was relieved that the machete was neatly tucked inside a big shopping bag.
‘Thanks John. Merry Christmas to you.’
‘Thanks and Merry Christmas.’
Jim walked briskly to his car. He threw his shopping into the boot and then sat inside his car to catch his breath. What now? He asked himself.
Sarah will be home by 6pm. I would hand her a glass of wine to relax her. And then another. Wait, it’s Christmas. I’ll do a cocktail. More alcohol that way. I’ll tell her that we would order in for dinner so she could just chill. She would want to go to the bedroom after a couple of drinks and expect me to perform. Instead of getting me, she’d be getting the machete. Yes, that’s when I’ll do it. I’ll need to have the machete underneath the bed ahead of time. But what will I do with the body and all the blood? Fuck!
Jim realised that he needed to think this through. He started the car and drove out of the car park.
‘Hey Siri, call Robert.’
‘Do you want to call Robert Russo?’
‘Yes.’
‘Calling Robert Russo.’
‘Hi Jim.’
‘Hi Robert. Are you in the office?’
‘Yes I am. What’s up?’
‘I need to see you. It’s an emergency.’
‘Emergency? What happened?’
‘I’ll tell you when I see you. I’m on my way.’
‘Alright, I have a gap now but I have another appointment at noon.’
‘I’ll be there in ten minutes.’
‘Alright, see you then.’
Jim parked his car and walked into a shop with the sign ‘Robert Russo – Family Law Specialist’ painted across the window. He was greeted by a rush of cold air-conditioned air and his face relaxed. He didn’t know he was holding his face so tightly.
‘Hi Jim,’ the receptionist greeted him. ‘I’ll let Robert know that you’re here. He won’t be a minute.’
‘Thanks Jenny. Ready for Christmas?’
‘Oh no, far from it. I have not even done half my Christmas shopping yet. It’ll be a scramble. How about you?’
Jim didn’t know what to say. He had been so pre-occupied with thoughts on killing his wife that he hadn’t done anything else. Jenny was supposed to talk about herself, and him pretending to be interested until Robert came out.
‘Christmas shopping? Hmm…no…not really.’
Then an idea hit him.
‘Woh! Yes, yes, of course I have done my Christmas shopping. As a matter of fact, I just bought a nice fishing rod and all the accessories. I’m taking my wife fishing this Christmas. We’re going fishing in the sea. That’s what we’re doing,’ Jim was elated that this innocent small talk has given him a solution to his problem.
So I’ll kill her on a boat, then push her bloodied body into the sea. The blood will attract the sharks and the body will be food for these magnificent animals. The circle of life.
‘That’s nice,’ Jenny went back to doing whatever she was doing on her computer.
Jim smiled darkly to himself as he entertained himself with his new scenario.
‘Jim, are you alright? Come with me.’ Robert extended his hand for Jim to shake and then led him into his office.
‘What’s up Jim?’ Robert asked after both of them had seated.
‘I need some advice. I’m asking for a friend actually.’ Jim straightened his shirt to give his hands something to do while he figured out the best way to explain himself.
‘Go ahead. What’s your question? I meant, your friend’s question.’
‘You see, a friend of mine is in a world of hurt at the moment. Him and his missus aren’t getting along. He’s kind of at the end of his rope and he wants to end it. He’s had enough.’
‘So he’s looking for a divorce?’
‘Oh no, no way. A divorce will mean letting her take half his shit. He doesn’t want that to happen.’
‘Then what does your friend have in mind?’
‘You know, finish it.’
‘No, I don’t know. What do you mean – “finish it”?’
‘Like gone, make it disappear.’
‘Make what disappear? Make him disappear, like for him to runaway?’
‘No, not him. Her!’
‘Make her disappear? How?’
‘With a machete.’
‘You mean to kill her with a machete? Where does the machete come from?’
‘From the shop. He’s already got it. It’s in the boot.’
‘You have a machete in your boot from the shop?’
‘No, not me. My friend. Him’.
‘Alright Jim, this is a really terrible idea. You will end up in jail if you do that. I meant your friend. He will end up in jail.’
‘How many years?’
‘It depends. If the court decides that it was a pre-meditated murder, it could be life.’
‘What if it was an accident?’
‘What kind of accident?’
‘Like a fishing accident. Say he caught a big fish. He tried to kill the fish with a machete and then he slipped and killed her instead. My friend was telling me his thoughts. ‘
‘Look Jim, this is ridiculous.’
‘What is ridiculous?’
‘Who goes fishing with a machete?’
‘That’s what the guy at the store said as well. He recommended a smaller knife.’
‘Oh God, I meant this whole scenario is unrealistic. No one will fall for it.’
‘Can you come up with something better then? After all, you’re the lawyer.’
‘Jim, I’m a family lawyer, not a criminal lawyer. I doubt any criminal lawyer could give you any advice on legal loopholes that you can use to kill your wife either. Wouldn’t it be simpler to separate with a divorce if there are no chances for reconciliation?”
‘No Robert. Divorce is rubbish. The man loses everything. Everything that he has worked his whole life for. They take the house, the car, the peace, your sanity. Everything.’
‘Not always. Look, I help couples breakup for a living. I have a few tricks up my sleeve. This may not work for all couples but it could work for some. Assuming your friend is similar to you, middle-aged, established and is in a long term marriage?’
‘Go on. Show me what you’ve got.’
‘Hire an architect to re-design your house into two separate living quarters. You live in one and she lives in the other one. You don’t have to see each other if you don’t want to. I haven’t seen my neighbours in years for example. But it’s also extremely convenient. She can mind your pets when you’re away and vice versa.’
‘Bloody hell Robert. A man hates his wife’s guts and you think building a wall between the two will be fine? Is that what you think? Seriously?’
‘Yes, this is what I think. The wall’s solid mate. Unless your friend and his wife have x-ray vision, they can’t see each other. He don’t even know if she’s even there. I have seen thousands of couples separate. It doesn’t have to be devastating. You’ll be surprised to see how many couples couldn’t stay married under the same roof, but they could stay good friends as long as they don’t live together.’
‘No. It won’t work. She is still there. She is right next door. This means that the threat remains.’
‘She’s a threat? Really? Who’s the one with the machete?’
‘You don’t understand! She won’t leave without ruining him in the process. He has worked too long and too hard to lose what he has made for himself like this.’ Jim threw both his arms up in protest.
‘Why would she turn against him when she can live her life pretty much the same way just without the annoying bits, like her husband?’
‘Well, you don’t know her.’ Jim got up and walked out of the office.
That night, Jim laid next to his wife in bed. She was fast asleep. Her familiar scent was once something that he used to love. He traced his fingers down her back imaging his finger was the tip of the machete blade.
‘Hmm…what’re you doing?’ Sarah yawned and wriggled her back to get rid of the itchiness. Jim pulled back his finger.
‘Nothing.’ He turned and faced away from her. He wondered if Sarah had caught on to what he was doing. Fear gripped him.
I can’t do it. What if she fights back?
‘Darling, why don’t your family ever go away in Christmas? I have to put up with your sister’s attitude and your mother’s pontifications every year. I know they don’t like me. They judge me. It’s really difficult for me to be there.’
‘Come on Sarah. They are my family. Please show some respect.’
‘I am just speaking the truth. They think they know everything and they’re better than everyone. By the way, I am your family. I am the most important person here. I have only you.’
‘Please Sarah.’
‘Please Jim. Can we skip lunch this year?’
‘But I already said yes.’ Jim felt his anger rising up and his jaws tightening. And then he remembered.
‘You know what? You’re right. We spend Christmas with my family every year. We can skip a year. If I were to cancel lunch with them, do I get to choose what we will do for Christmas?’
‘Oh Jim, you have never been able to stand up to your family before. You have become strong. If you will cancel Christmas lunch with your family, I will do whatever you want to do.’ Sarah got excited and sat right up in bed.
‘Will you promise Sarah?’
‘Jim, I promise. This is the best Christmas present that you have ever given me. Tell me what you want to do for Christmas this year.’ Sarah beamed ear to ear.
‘I’d like for us to go fishing.’
‘Fishing?’
‘Yes. You promised. It’ll be fun.’
