Post Prandial (Husband and Wife)

H  –  That was a good day, all things considered.

W  – Oh, I’m full. Just got this glass. (Holds up glass of chardonnay).

H  – Your mum seemed to enjoy herself.

W  – Oh yes, she knocked her lunch back.

H  – Well you are a good cook.

W  – Thank you darling husband.

H  – It’s true. I’m not a patch on you. That turkey just looked so delicious on the plate.

W  – Not like your bangers on the barbeque. (They laugh).

H  – I do what I can. You’re streets ahead of me.

W  – Well, it’s been my pleasure all these years. (Takes a sip). What are you drinking?

H  – The scotch you gave me last Christmas. The Macallan 18 years. I’ll start the one you gave me this year around the end of January I reckon.

W  – Hold on, I’ve got something to show you.

(She gets out of her chair and disappears from sight. He sips his whisky while he waits. She returns, holding up a knitted cardigan).

W  – Look at this. Sally made it for me.

H  – Squash club Sally?

W – No, book group Sally.

H  – Isn’t she the one having the affair?

W  – That’s the one.

H  – Is it still going?

W  – I don’t ask. There’s enough going on in the world already without adding to it.

(Holds up the cardigan)

W  – Do you like it?

(Pauses for a moment)

H  – Depends what else you’re wearing.

W  – Dirty old bugger.

H  – No, I wasn’t this time. I’d like to see what it goes with.

W  – Seriously?

H  – Mmhmm.

W  – Since when have you become a fashionado?

H  – Since I married you, darling. (Sips his whisky. Looks out the window. Says:)

H  – Christmas marks the years.

W  – So much happens, it’s good to mark the end and start.

H  – Been a bit of a strange one though, hey.

W  – Did you get any news from the kids?

H  – They seem fine. Iain’s new girl is nice.

W  – Yes, the three of us had a chat. Hopefully this one will stick.

H  – Louise is starting to show.

W  – I know, it’s exciting.

H  – When is she due?

W  – May I think.

H  – Our first grandchild. Can you imagine?

W  – What are they, your feet?

H  – Oh sorry sweetheart, I was getting a bit relaxed. (Lifts feet off coffee table) That better?

W  – Much.

H  – What do the kids say? Soz is it?

W  – Soz.

H  – You old soz. Is that chardonnay?

W  – Yep. We might get a full family gathering.

H  – When?

W  – When the baby comes.

H  – That’d be good.

W  – Been a while since we were all together.

H  – Hang on, I’m going to get a bit more Christmas pud. (He leaves for the kitchen).

(Returns with pudding in bowl with ice cream).

H  – I’m back.

W  – So I see. Is that ice cream?

H  – Custard’s gone stodgy.

W  – Cholesterol, darling.

H  – It’s Christmas.

(Sips chardonnay)

W  – Feet.

(Puts feet down again).

H  – Oops. Sozzly.

(He eats a spoonful of pudding.)

W  – What are your plans tonight?

H  – Dunno. Probably watch Die Hard.

W  – It’s Christmas.

H  – Exactly. You?

W  – An old school friend is coming over. Caroline.

H  – Nursing home Caroline?

W  – Old school friend Caroline. She moved up here twenty years ago. Coming over for a catch up.

(She sips her chardonnay. He scrapes his bowl).

H  – Speaking of health, how’s your mother doing?

W  – Same same. Doctor says chemo’s not had much effect.

H  – Ah. Sorry to hear that. Hugs.

W  – Could be months, could be days.

H  – She’s a tough old bird.

W  – With a healthy appetite for Christmas lunch.

(She leans in as close as she can).

H  – Hang on, can’t hear you. I think you muted yourself.

(She pulls back)

W  – That better?

H  – Much.

W  – I was just saying the doctor thinks it’s probably pretty soon.  More than fifty percent anyway.

H  – Oh sweetheart.

W  – Yeah, well, she’s ninety-one next year.

H  – On the plus side, I’ll get my wife back.

W  – ‘S been a weird old time. Tough.

H  – I’ve missed you.

W  – Men always miss their wives.

H  – You haven’t missed me?

W  – Course I have, you big lug.

(They sip their drinks in silence. A doorbell sounds).

W  – That’ll be Caroline. Hold on.

(She disappears. She returns, but is standing. A second woman looks at him side on. Bright eyed, brown hair hanging down at right angles to her face.)

W  – This is Caroline. You remember Caroline?

H  – Hi Caroline.

W  – That’s my husband with the feet.

H  – Oops, sorry.  It’s Christmas.

(Removes feet from the coffee table).

W  – Okay, hon. I’m going to leave now.

H  – Okay. Have fun.

W  – Love you.

H  – Love you too.

(Presses ‘Leave’. Closes laptop. Stares out the window for a moment. Goes to the kitchen and puts the bowl in the sink. Refills his whisky glass. Returns to the living room. Picks up remote. Puts feet on coffee table).

H  – Die Hard, who’s streaming that? Not a Christmas movie. Tosh.