THE LOVERS
“I love your hands. They’re really beautiful,” Lisa smiled.
She looked admiringly at Steve’s fingers as he played his electric guitar on a lazy Sunday afternoon. His long straight fingers slid up and down the neck with purpose, energy and mesmerising speeds. She gazed at his nails as they quivered over the strings. Strong, smooth, symmetrical and perfectly edged.
“These hands look so intelligent and competent. I love them.”
“Thank you,” Steve smiled.
“You were born to play the guitar. Jimi Hendrix has nothing on you. You are seriously good.”
“I did get a Bachelor degree from the Conservatorium of Music,” Steve chuckled at himself thinking that the best guitar players were self-taught.
“I mean it. You are genius level good. Why aren’t you already in a famous rock band?”
He smiled. “Nah, it’s not for me. I did it for a while but I didn’t like it. I don’t like the scene or the night life. No thanks.”
“What a shame. You could be a star!” She tilted her head back and stretched her arms wide as a star on stage would.
“Sorry Lisa. I won’t become a rock star but I can play exclusively for you. You won’t have to find a park at the Allianz stadium and you don’t have to fight through throngs of women to get to me. Isn’t that better?” He put his guitar down and gently pulled her to him. They kissed and pressed their bodies together.
“Oh Lisa, I want you.” Steve whispered in her ear.
“And I want you too. You’re right. I want you all to myself, and I want you now,” Lisa growled teasingly and then pulled Steve into the bedroom. They felt each other other’s bodies and got into an intimate dance they knew well.
They both lit a cigarette after sex. The bottle of wine they opened for lunch sat at the dining table. Steven poured the last glass for Lisa and went to get a bottle of whiskey for himself.
“Ahh, this stuff is good!” Steve sipped his glass and sighed with contentment.
“Hey, I want some of that.”
“You’ve already had the whole bottle of wine.”
“So?”
“Don’t you have to work tonight at the bar?”
“Yeah, so?”
“Alright, as you wish. Don’t complain to me afterwards,” Steve rose and poured Lisa her whiskey.
“I won’t. You worry about yourself.”
“I don’t need to worry. I can drink as much as I like. I don’t know how I do it but I’ve never been late to work the next day,” Steve raised his glass.
“Bravo! And I’ve got the late shift tonight. Plenty of time between now and then,” Lisa took a sip of the whisky and sighed with pleasure.
“Oh, please do come straight home after work. We’ve got to start driving to my brother’s by 4 o’clock to make it there by dinner. You’ll need to have your sleep before then.”
“Why are we going to your brother’s?”
“It’s his birthday tomorrow. He and his wife have invited us over for dinner. I told you last week.”
“Damn, I forgot. I had double booked myself then. I said I would go out with the staff after work.”
“Again? I don’t understand why you and your colleagues even want to go out drinking after pouring drinks all night.”
“When you see everyone around you drinking all night and having a great time, you want to relax like them after work too. Wouldn’t you?”
“You’re drinking too much.”
“Ha ha bloody ha! This is a bit rich coming from you, Mr. I can still go to work no matter how much I drank!”
“I’m under control,” Steve put his hand up.
“Me too,” Lisa raised her hand up higher with a cheeky grin.
THE CLOSET
It was a two hour drive to Steve’s brother’s house on the beach. They were close. Since their parent’s death years ago, they had become even closer. It was a godsend that Lisa got on well with both the brother and his wife. Lisa and his brother were all the people that Steve wanted in his life. Not having them like each other would make his life much lonelier.
The pair arrived right on time. For the birthday present, Steve bought his brother a case of beer, a book and a bottle of his favourite whiskey.
“Happy birthday, mate,” Steve shook hands with his brother Joe and gave his wife, Helen, a kiss. Lisa hugged and kissed both Joe and Helen.
“Thanks for coming, bro,” Joe slapped Steve on the back and gave his shoulder a squeeze.
“It’s so great to see you both. Come on in. We have prepared a feast,” Helen smiled warmly.
Steve closed his eyes and inhaled deeply the smell of roast beef, potatoes and other deliciousness cooking in the kitchen.
“Smells great Helen. Makes me so hungry,” Steve grinned from ear to ear.
The two couples sat down for dinner. Beer, wine and conversations flowed continuously. Hours went by. Left over birthday cake and nuts sat in the middle of the table. They were getting pecked at by the group. It was a fantastic evening. Then they noticed that Lisa had not returned to the table.
“Did Lisa go to the bathroom?” Joe asked.
“I suppose. But it has been a while since she left the table,” Helen turned around to look to the direction of the bathroom.
“I’d better go and check on her,” Steve groaned as he got up slowly from the table.
“Let me know if you need any help,” Helen offered and then reached for another nut. Chewing made her feel calmer.
Steve came back shortly and asked, “how many bathrooms do you have?.
“Ah, we have three. One just over there, one in our bedroom and one downstairs. Why?” Joe answered.
“She’s not in the one just over there. Mind if I check the others?” Steve asked with a frown on his face.
“Of course not. We’ll come and help,” Joe and Helen both got up immediately.
The group went firstly back to the bathroom that Steve had just been. It was as if they couldn’t believe that Lisa was not there. They had been using that bathroom all evening. It was empty. They then went to their bedroom to check the ensuite. Perhaps she got tired and fell asleep in the first bed she found. Lisa as not there either.
“Let’s check the one downstairs,” Joe led and the two followed. The downstairs toilet was also empty. There was no sign of Lisa.
“Where could she be?” Steve asked.
“I don’t know. Maybe she had gone for a walk to clear her head or something?” Steve shrugged.
“Let’s go down to the beach and have a look. I’ll grab us some torches.”
The three went down to the beach. They walked along the sand and shone their torches out toward the sea. It was pitch black on a moonless night. They couldn’t see anyone down there. They then went for a walk around the block and saw no sign of Lisa either. They called Lisa’s number and her phone rang inside her handbag lying near the dining table where they all were.
“Right. She couldn’t have gone far. She didn’t bring her phone with her. She’s probably still in the house. Maybe she got tired and fell asleep on the couch or in the guest room.” Helen offered.
“Let’s check all the rooms then. Why don’t you two check this level and I will check downstairs.” Joe suggested.
“Alright, let’s go,” Steve’s voice quavered.
The three check every room in the house and found no sign of Lisa. They checked the kitchen, laundry, all the bedrooms, study and the sun room. Lisa was not in any of them. It was as if she had just disappeared.
Worried and frightened, Steve sat back down at the dining table. He reached over to grab his glass of wine. He needed a drink to calm down. As he leaned over, he accidentally knocked over the bottle spilling the content onto the table and floor.
“Oh shit! I’m sorry,” Steve rose immediately to clean the table with his napkin.
“That’s fine, don’t worry about it. I’ll go and get a mop,” Helen rushed off.
“Look Steve, don’t worry too much. The car is here. Her phone is here. She can’t be far off. She’ll show up at some point. We’ll definitely find her in the morning,” Joe placed a hand on Steve’s shoulder to comfort him.
“She’s never done this before, disappearing like that. What’s going on?” Steve placed his hands over his head.
“Did you guys have a fight or something?”
“No. Nothing unusual anyway. I mean, she was happy this evening, wasn’t she? Did she look unhappy at all?” Steve shook his head and opened his hands. His eyes widened with an incredulous look.
“Good point. You’re right. She looked fine. I didn’t pick up on anything. Women are strange. I don’t know if any man can understand them.”
A minute later, Helen returned without a mop. Her face was tense.
“Guys, I found Lisa,” Helen announced.
Steve and Joe both jumped up.
“She’s in the cleaning closet, follow me.” Helen said in a hurried voice.
Steve peered into the cleaning closet and saw Lisa lying in the corner amongst the buckets, cleaning products, brooms, mops and brushes. She was out cold.
“What the fuck are you doing there?” Steve stepped inside the closet and reached out for Lisa. As he got closer to her, he could see that she was holding a bottle of wine. Then he saw more empty bottles of wine around her. There were one, two, three, four, five. He stopped counting. She was surrounded by them. All with the same label.
“What the hell?” Steve’s voice cracked. His heart fell. It was obvious what Lisa was doing. His scratched his head to stop the itch that just crawled up his spine. What? How? When? Why? He couldn’t figure anything out but he knew this was bad. Very bad.
“She must have found the case of wine from the storeroom. We got it the other day,” Joe looked down onto the floor, feeling bad for Steve.
“Man, I’m sorry. I’ll pay you back for the wine. This is so fucked up. I knew she was drinking too much. I told her so. But stealing? I didn’t know it was this bad,” Steve wiped his tears quickly with his arm.
“Steve, don’t worry about the wine. It’s the least of our concerns. Let’s get her to bed and we can figure out the next step,” Joe stepped in and helped Steve carry Lisa out from the closet. They carried her carefully into the guest room. Joe and Helen left Steve to be alone with Lisa after preparing some warm towels for her.
Steve sat down on the bed next to Lisa. Her sleeping face was calm and peaceful. A contrast to the fear that was racing through his mind. He was gripped by anger, sadness, hurt and confusion. He stroked her hair gently and lovingly. He stroked her as if she was a child. The motion was soothing for him. He didn’t remember the last time he had stroked her like that. She would have loved that. It was a shame that she was unconscious and couldn’t enjoy it. She would really have loved that. To be loved and protected like a precious child.
Asshole, why didn’t I do that to her more often then? Why didn’t I?
There was love for sure but there were also thorns. He didn’t want to face or deal with the thorns. There was enough pressure from work. Just numb them for now and deal with it another day. Ignore them and they might go away. But they didn’t. Ignore them and they grew. They grew thicker and harder until turned transformed into a monster.
Was I the monster? Did I do this to her?
Lisa recovered. She promised to change.
THE FALL
Months later, Steve came home from work one day and Lisa wasn’t there.
Where is she?
Steve paced around in his apartment. He stopped by the window again but he couldn’t see anyone walking towards the apartment block. He called Lisa on his mobile for the tenth time; again, it went to voicemail.
Lisa should have been home when he finished work. Lounging around in her bathrobe, relaxing with a cigarette before getting ready for work. Telling him what’s in the fridge for his dinner.
“Where the fuck could she have gone? She had better be home soon if she’s to make it to work on time this evening,” he mumbled to himself. He took deep breaths to calm his nerves. There was this unpleasant feeling rising up. A bad one.
Then he heard a key at the door. A welcoming wave of relief poured over him. With his dread at bay, he prepared to pounce on Lisa for being late and making him anxious. He stormed to the door and opened it.
“WHAT T….”
Before the words could leave his mouth, he was stupefied by the sight in front of him. His eyes widened and his opened mouth froze. His heart tried to burst from his lips.
A large gash on Lisa’s forehead was caked with blood. Her eyes were blackened. There was dirt all over her face and her shirtsleeves were in tethers. She was a mess.
“Jesus fucking Christ!” Steve finally found his words, though not helpful ones.
He helped her into the apartment and sat her gently on a couch.
“What the fuck happened? Are you okay? Where the fuck were you?”
“Can you get me some fucking ice first?”
“Sure, sure,” Steve hurried to the fridge.
“I tripped over at the train station,” Lisa said as she placed an ice cube over her eye.
“Let me do it,” Steve took hold of the ice cube and began to clean her up.
“What do you mean you tripped over at the train station?”
“I was walking along and then bang, next thing I knew, I was on the ground. I must have misjudged the height of the track and I fell over it.”
“Track? You mean train track? How on earth did you get onto the track in the first place? You could’ve been killed.”
“I thought it would be quicker that way. I was late. A short cut.”
“You’re an idiot. And you’re drunk.” Steve could smell the alcohol on her as he wiped her forehead gently.
“It was Tom’s birthday and we went to the pub after work.”
“Lisa, there’s always some event that you have to go to after work.” He dropped a bloodied cotton ball on the coffee table. “You have to stop. You promised. This has gone too far. Please, I am serious.” He squeezed Lisa’s arms with both his hands.
“Ouch, you’re hurting me.”
“Lisa, you have a drinking problem. This is out of control.”
“Who are you to tell me I have a drinking problem? You worry about yourself first. How many bottles of whiskey do you have a day? Eh? Answer me.” She pushed him away.
“I am not like you,” he grumbled. I’m not the one falling over railway station and getting black eyes. You know, for a moment, I thought someone had beaten you up.”
He paused, and put one hand over his mouth. “Oh my God, if people see you like this, they’ll think that I have beaten you up. They’ll think I did this. Fuck!” Steve scratched his head with both his hands.
“What a jerk! All you worry about is yourself.” She stood up and stumbled over to the kitchen.
“Lisa,” said Steve following her. “You have to stop drinking. Go to AA. I can’t deal with this anymore!”
“Yeah, right. Stop drinking. Just stop it. It’s that easy, is it?”
“I don’t know and I don’t care. I only know that you just have to stop.”
“What if I don’t?”
“Then you can get the hell out of here!” His breath was hot on her face.
“You’re a prick,” she snarled. “That’s what you are.”
THE DEATH
Steve arrived home from work. He sat in his car not wanting to get out.
I’m so buggered. I don’t think that I could cope with another fight.
He tried to recall the times when he couldn’t wait to be home to be with Lisa. It was a distant memory. A different life. He sighed heavily and then dragged himself out of the car to walk up the two flight of stairs to his apartment. Unusual voices reverberated as he climbed. As he reached his floor, two policemen appeared in view standing outside his door.
“Hi, are you Mr. Steve Hanson?”
“Yes I am. What do you want?”
“Mr Hanson, I’m constable McMahon and this is Constable Roberts. Do you know a Ms Lisa Murray?”
“Yeah, she’s my girlfriend. Why?”
Oh no. This is going to be bad.
The two cops looked at each other. McMahon signed and said, “I am sorry to have to tell you that Ms Murray has died. She was found in an apartment. Paramedics were called but she could not be revived.”
“What the…what are you talking about?”
Oh God. I knew it would come.
“Ms Murray was found in an apartment on Holmes Street. I really am sorry.”
“That housing commission block?”
“Yes. The apartment door was left opened and one of the residents called the police when they saw a body lying on the floor inside.”
“JESUS!” Steve dropped his face into his hands.
Steve stood silent. He’d known something like this would happen. It was a matter of time.
Alright, so this is what it feels like when your worst nightmare comes true.
He knew she was slipping down a down tunnel. He tried to help but nothing was working. He hated coming home each day not knowing what he would find when he walked through the door. The only thing he could do was to hold onto the edge of the tunnel so to not fall in with her.
Closing his eyes, he let the insides of his body free fall. The space where his heart had been, echoed a pang of loneliness.
But he also felt relieved. The problem had finally gone away. He could breathe again.
Sadness crept in to fill the void in his chest. Pure sadness seeped through his organs. She was a good woman. She didn’t deserve this. Then the guilt. What was his part in her death? He didn’t save her. He let her die, didn’t he?
Shit. The cops. What were they thinking? Would they blame me? Of course they would. Yeah, the bad tempered boyfriend. Nail the bastard. A wave of fear came over him.
“Mr. Hanson, would you come down to the station with us to identify the body and help us with some questions please?” one of the cops asked. Steve was brought back from his thoughts.
THE AFTERMATH
The police grilled him. Domestic violence was what they were going to charge him with. He was interviewed time and time again over the week and asked the same questions. He told them endlessly that he never laid a hand on her. Whatever it was that fucked her up happened before he even met her. Why was this so hard to believe?
Due to the investigation, he had let his boss know what had happened. He cringed over the shame he had to endure for having his private life, his loss and suspicion exposed involuntarily.
Steve didn’t speak to anyone for weeks. He threw away every sign of Lisa’s existence in the apartment. Her clothes, shoes, magazines, toiletries, jewellery, pictures, mails and any documents marked with her name. He could not bear the thought of her and the inevitable emotions that followed. He had to erase her from his life to save himself. Little did he know about the grief that this cleansing would cause him when he had to deal with the banks and insurance companies months down the track.
“Sir, can you produce some proof of your relationship with Lisa?” asked the man from the insurance company.
“No, I have burnt them all,” replied Steve.
He wasn’t very good at doing life without Lisa.
He kept his head down and worked like a fiend until he collapsed at work one morning. An ambulance was called and he was taken to emergency. It turned out that he had perforated diverticulitis. His gut was literally busted. The doctor took out his large intestine and sew his backside up. A colostomy bag was attached to his abdomen and he was sent home to recover.
Thanks Lisa. Look what you have done to me. It’s all the stress!
Months passed. Life took on a new rhythm for Steve. He barked at his co-workers. He cursed at his neighbours. He yelled at the kids who wanted to play basketball in the car park. He played his guitar after work and drank himself to oblivion in the evening.
Steve started to lose weight. He also refused to see his doctor. He was never going back to the hospital. His recollection of a nurse pushing a sharp object into abdomen to release the pressure haunted him.
“You’ alright? You don’t look well,” his boss asked Steve one day when he was visibly thinner.
“No, I don’t feel too good. I’m probably at death’s door. My old man and all the male relatives died at around my age. It’s probably my turn soon. I can’t wait.”
“Steve, you’ve got to have it looked at by a doctor. Please go now. You’re on sick leave until you get better.” His manager ordered.
Steve left that afternoon. He called his manager up a few weeks later.
“It’s cancer. It’s all over me. They are in my throat, my liver, my lungs. Everywhere. The doctor gave me two months. He told me to get my affairs in order. That’s what I am doing now.”
“Geez, Steve…” his manager didn’t know what to say.
“So I’m resigning. I can’t work anymore. I am no good to anyone.”
“Man…Look, I’ll make sure that you get paid out on all your leave and I’ll get whatever that I can get for you.”
“Thanks mate. I’d appreciate it.”
“Do you know what you’re going to do?”
“Yep I do. I am gonna do nothing. There’s no point in getting treatment. I’ll let nature take its course. Enjoy whatever time I have. I’ll be fine. Lisa and my parents’ll be there waiting for me on the other side.” Steve smiled at the thought.
“Steve, I don’t know what to say mate.”
“There’s nothing to be said. You’ve done more for me than anyone has. Thank you for everything.” his voice softened.
“Look after yourself and please drop me a note now and then to keep in touch.” His manager said.
“Yeah, alright. I’ll see ya.”
They never saw each other again. A month later, Steve’s brother announced his death on his social media post.
To Steve, my beloved brother, who paid the ultimate price for a love that slipped through his beautiful hands.
