Billie, My Kid

Billie was such a lovely kid growing up, albeit a little strange. I’ve never forgotten that time her pair of pet mice died when she went to school camp and I was meant to be looking after them. She got so upset when I tried to throw them in the bin I had to leave them in her room. For weeks after she would spin the cage’s little wheel while their little skeletons went round and round.

Let’s face it, both me and Genie, that’s my wife, always had reservations about how Billie would turn out. I had hopes she would turn out normal.

She went through more boyfriends in her teenage years than I had bowls of Froot Loops. Do you really want to hear about them? There was that artist bloke with the freaky piercings. Ears, nose, cheek, eyebrow and don’t ask me where else but the amount of time he spent scratching his crotch made me wonder.

Then there was that tightrope walker with a drinking problem. ‘I just have a few sips of Vodka to wind down,’ he’d say. He was only guy I ever knew who would wind down before the show started.

And who could forget Goat? Yes, Goat, the bikie. Liked snakes he did. Not just as pets but as a food source. He didn’t even bother cooking them. Just munched them raw.

But even Goat was a mouse compared to her latest squeeze. Frank. Such a nothing, innocent, young fellow. Polite to a fault. Treated Billie real nice. But I should have realised.

I remember the day like it was just yesterday. Billie had come back from Uni, dropped her bag on the floor and with a big smile said, Daddy, I’m joining a band, and Frank is the lead singer. He’s really good!

Let me tell you a thing or two about the band.

Dad, we are a Monster Metal band! Billie said.

Yeah, right. What I didn’t cotton onto at the time was that they were literally a monster metal band. Looking back now it was obvious wasn’t it? The drummer, Bones, was way too skinny. The lead guitarist with a little too much facial hair? Wolfram’s just a hippy, good hair runs in his family! Billie told me. Good hair my arse. It was full of nits and ticks, and there was probably a family of squirrels nesting there. Then there was the keyboard player. I thought she was just a hypochondriac, always going to hospital and coming back covered head to toe in bandages. I thought ‘Mummy’ was an affectionate nickname for her.

To be honest, Frank almost looked normal. Sure, he was about 7 feet tall, had weird metal screws sticking out of his neck and his complexion was slightly green but you know these band types. Rock and Roll, right? I mean they are always indoors aren’t they. Not good for the complexion. And Frank seemed alright. He used to call me Mr Higgins. ‘Call me Robert, if you want,’ I’d say and he’d say ‘Yes sir.’ Yes sir, no sir, three bags bloody full sir.

That’s why I took her aside one day to warn her off. I wasn’t quite sure how to start so I just said, ‘Billie, it’s about Frank.’

Billie’s face lit up. I expected a snarl.

Oh Dad, you’ve noticed haven’t you!

‘Noticed?’

Frank. I think he’s the one!

‘The one?’

Yes, Dad. No one has made me feel … so normal!

Normal?

I looked into her eyes. They were beaming. Her black lips curled up into an emphatic smile.

Dad, look at this!

Billie thrust her hand towards me. A web tattoo was imprinted on the back of her hand. A small red spider was sitting in the center of the web.

‘Err, what am I looking at?’

She spoke in a soft tone. The ring!

There was a chunky metallic ring on her finger. It had a skull on the surface, red jewels for eyes. Damned ugly if you asked me.

‘What about the ring?’

It’s an Undying Passion ring. Frank truly loves me!

Of course, I nearly went through the roof. I brought up all our old arguments from her childhood years and how upset I was that she had acted on her unnatural urges. She said that I used to be so supportive of her, and had encouraged her to not be shy about her identity. Was I saying all that was a lie?

Eventually I shouted, ‘You are never to see Frank again while I still live.’

That quietened her down. Sure did. I’ll never forget the way her shoulders just slumped and how she dragged her feet back to her own room. She didn’t emerge for a week. Naturally she ignored me. She would only talk to her mother and only about the essentials of life. It is like she died to me, or I to her. All I knew was that I felt rotten and getting the cold shoulder from her was like getting a wooden stake rammed through your heart.

Then when I came home on halloween night Genie was screeching like a banshee.

‘She’s left.’

‘What do you mean?’

‘Billie. She’s got up and left. All her stuff is gone.’

A shiver ran down my spine. ‘Good, I’m glad she’s gone,’ I said.

‘Really? And you are just going to forget she ever existed? The daughter you loved to bits?’ Genie asked, a torrent of tears pouring from her eyes.

I didn’t know what to say. I went out of the house, slamming the door behind me. I drove down to the parklands. I got out and sat on a bench and scrolled through my phone. I selected all the photos of Billie and marked them and pressed ‘Delete’.

A message popped up. Are you sure you want to delete 1,666 photographs? Press OK or Cancel.

You bet I wanted to delete them. Well, maybe I wanted to. One thousand six hundred and sixty-six — that many? My thumb hovered over the OK button. I was aware of my heart going thumpety-thump in my chest. The last thumbnail was of her standing with Frank, hand in hand, out in the countryside. They both had broad smiles. I pressed Cancel and put the phone back in my pocket.

When I got home Genie had calmed down a little. She was vacuuming Billie’s room, tears streaming down her face. I came in and looked around and under her laptop found a folded piece of paper. ‘Look honey,’ I said. ‘Billie’s left us a note.’

Mum and Dad, I know you won’t approve but I’ve decided to marry Frank tonight! I know he’s not an accountant like Dad, but one day you’ll come round, I just know it!

Those words nearly killed me. My little Billie, marrying that creep. This had to be the worst day of my life. I had to do something. But what? Where would the wedding be? As a kid Billie had always talked about having a church wedding. I got the phone out and looked closely at that photo of her with Frank. I zoomed in on the background. Yes, there’s tombstones. Then it clicked. The old church off Route 13.

‘Genie, I know where the wedding is. I’m going to try and stop it.’

‘Alright dear, I’m coming with you.’

‘I’ll meet you at the car. I’ve just got to get a few things first.’

I ran to the bathroom. I didn’t have any silver bullets, or a gun for that matter, but I grabbed a tub of Genie’s depilatory cream for Wolfram. In the garage I got a lighter and some kerosene for the mummy as well as wooden tomato stakes in case there was a vampire. I’m not sure what I needed for Bones the drummer or Frank but I grabbed the closest implements I could find — a leaf blower and garden rake. I put it all in a box and bolted for the car and honked as Genie was taking her goddam time.

Finally, she got in the car. I smelt perfume. What the hell? I sped down the street and drove out to the old abandoned church. I switched off the lights as I pulled into the car park, hitting a garbage can because I couldn’t see. I grabbed my box of weapons and taking Genie by the hand crept past the back of the church. Sure enough, in the graveyard a macabre wedding ceremony was taking place, with a vampire out the front as a kind of sicko marriage celebrant.

I ducked down behind a hedge and thought about what I was going to do. I’ll be the first to admit that twenty years of tax returns was no great preparation for fighting ghouls and freaks. But dammit I was going to give it a shot. Except that I was shit-scared and shaking like a leaf.

I peeked through the bushes and saw Billie, in a black wedding dress with a black veil beside Frank in a dark suit. He was holding a ring and about to put it on her finger.

Now was the time to act. If only I could move my frozen limbs.

‘Oh, my darling!’ cried Genie from beside me.

‘Where are you going?’ I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. Genie burst through the hedges and ran towards Billie.

No, no, not Genie. I didn’t want those monsters getting their hands or fangs on her. I picked up some weapons and forced my way through the hedge and chased after Genie.

Billie, noticing her mother, held out her arms and they embraced. Then she saw me and said, Daddy, you came! This is now officially the best day of my life!

Frank smiled and said to the gathered ghouls, vampires, monsters and wraiths, ‘I tell you all, Robert is such a wonderful father-in-law. He even brought a leaf blower and rake to clean this sacred patch of the burial ground.’

The full moon came out from behind the clouds and lit the graveyard with an ethereal light. Billie lifted her veil. There was no flesh on her face — just a skull with hollows for eyes and her teeth shaped into a smile.

Then Genie, who had been clutching her daughter looked at me. She too had no flesh on her face.

‘I…I…thought…,’ the rest of my sentence caught in my throat.

‘I did too. I thought it stopped at menopause. This special occasion must have triggered it,’ Genie said, her teeth smiling broadly.

There was no use fighting it anymore. ‘Are you truly happy?’ I asked Billie.

Yes, Dad! I have the two men I love most in the world with me. How could I not be!

But there was one more thing I needed to know. ‘Frank,’ I said, ‘Who’s your favourite football team?’

‘The Demons,’ he said, without batting an eyelid.

‘We’ll get along famously then,’ I said.