Life
Imitates
Art:
Retrospective
(A play in three scenes.)
Characters:
Mario – a young man looking for love;
Mel – a young woman also looking for love
Ben – Mario’s work colleague and best mate;
Scene 1: An Art Gallery. The set is a plain room with two large paintings hanging on the back wall: one predominantly red and the other blue. Above the paintings, large letters spell out the words ‘Life Imitates Art: Retrospective.’ In front of the back wall are bollards connected by a red rope. In front centre stage is a low bench. Mario and Ben enter stage left.
Mario: Oh mate, I can’t tell you how good it is to be here. Seeing a bit of modern art after working all day with legal documents. Doesn’t it just give you goose-bumps?
Ben: Not particularly. So tell me again, why we are here seeing the ‘Life Imitates Art Retrospective’ when we could be seeing the monster trucks at the Show Ground?
Mario: Listen, have you ever wondered what all those smart toffs do in their leisure time?
Ben: Snort cocaine?
Mario: Apart from that.
Ben: Enlighten me.
Mario: They come to places like the ballet, the museum and the bloody Art Gallery. It’s called culture mate. Don’t know what it is? I’ll spell it for you: K-U-L …never mind. Come on, look at this first painting. It’s called “The Revolution”. Hypnotic, don’t you think?
Ben: It’s just a bunch of black blobs on a red background. How the fuck is that art?
Mario: Just read the guide, dickhead.
Ben: OK already. It says: ‘… “The Revolution” symbolises the struggle of the working class in the post-modern era. The black shapes represent the faceless workers and the red is the all powerful state-industrial machine.’
[Mario and Ben look at each other for a minute then burst out laughing. Mario leads Ben across to the other painting]
Mario: This one’s called ‘The River.’
Ben: Mate, this is just blue paint. My dog could have painted this with his arse.
Mario: Everything’s arses with you. What does the guide say?
Ben: ‘“The River” symbolises the artist’s connection with the waters of creation. It is the embryo of the artist’s creative child. True to the nature of the themes of the exhibition, looking at the representation of liquid in “The River” may make the viewer want to…’
Mario: Hang on mate. I’m suddenly desperate for a piss.
[Mario runs off stage briefly then comes back on.]
Mario: You were saying?
Ben: Where was I? “Looking at the representation of liquid in ‘The River’ may make the viewer want to urinate. Now let’s move on to the big one. This is by… Brunacelli, who, according to the guide, is “the greatest of the modern Milan masters.” Probably the reason why this exhibition is so expensive.
[They walk to front centre stage. Mario curses when he nearly trips over the low bench. They stare straight into the audience, screwing up their faces.]
Mario: Man, that’s rank.
Ben: That’s just two ugly people getting it on.
Mario: And what’s with the mobile phones? Are they taking selfies?
Ben: The guide says: “‘The Union” depicts the coming together of two souls and is a commentary of finding true love in the internet age and posting it on social media.’
Mario: Do you agree with that assessment Ben?
Ben: I think it’s shit.
[A ping of a mobile phone is heard. Mario looks at his phone]
Mario: Awesome! I’ve just got a match on my new dating app.
Ben: Which one’s that?
Mario: ScrUber.
Ben: [chuckling] Screw-her?
Mario: No, it’s not like that. Look, I’ll read you the blurb – “Are you tired of your dating app matching you up with cultural Neanderthals? Sick of dealing with riff-raff? Welcome to ScrUber. Handy like Uber, but with the S-C-R values of Sensitivity, Culture and Respect.” You pay a bit more but it’s worth it.
Ben: Hence your sudden interest in culture. Why don’t you just use SmartHeart like me – matches people according to their IQ. It doesn’t always work though. The last woman I got matched with was as thick as a brick.
Mario: Mate, I’m a ScrUber man now. I’m turning over a new leaf. But look, I’ve got to go. Mel from Iceland is waiting for me at Tsarina’s. She might be ‘the one.’
[They both exit and the lights fade.]
* * *
Scene 2: Tsarinas. The set is a faux-posh city bar. Mel, a plainly dressed young woman is sitting at a table tapping at her mobile phone. She looks lovingly at the phone then brings it to her face and kisses it. Mel is talking to herself dreamily, in a broad Australian accent.
Mel:
Oh, Mario, Mario, my sweet and hefty Lothario.
So porky yet so handsome,
It’s dorky but I’d pay your ransom.
You’ll be my Adonis, I’ll be your Eros and we’ll meet near the heath.
Loose your arrow of love and I’ll catch it ’twixt my frickin’ teeth.
[Mel moves the phone away from her face and rubs it against her breasts and sighs. In this state of bliss she fails to notice Mario enter from stage left and approach her.]
Mario: Err, Mel? I’m Mario. Are you okay?
Mel: [snapping out of her reverie she drops the phone. She gets down on her knees to look for it. She begins talking from under the table] Oh, hi Mario. Nice to meet you. Sorry, I was just fantasizing about having s… about having sensational cultural experiences. Sensitivity, culture, respect and all that.
Mario: Well that’s the ScrUber way.
Mel: [picking up her phone and sitting back at the table.] I suppose it is. Hey, you actually look like your photo.
Mario: Is that a compliment?
Mel: No. Well it could be. It means you are honest. On the other dating apps I use, all the guys – um, not that I really use them much…
[Mel taps on her mobile]
Mario: What are you doing?
Mel: Just filling in the ScrUber first appearances survey. You know, does your match look like their photo.
Mario: Of course. I’ll do the same. You look even better than your photo. So, have you been on ScrUber long?
Mel: Yes. No. Neither yes or no really. I mean, not long enough to be a desperado or anything. But I’m not just a newbie either. You?
Mario: Oh, the same I suppose. I’ve tried one, or two, or maybe more than that but they seem to be full of liars. What do you think of ScrUber?
Mel: The ‘no lying on your profile’ clause is good but tell me, Mario, what do you think of their ads on TV?
Mario: Not bad. They worked on me.
Mel: Don’t you think they’re a bit weird? They have this daggy chick in a cardigan and some chunky bloke in a skivvy and next minute they’re wearing designer clothes and running hand-in-hand through fields of ripened barley in slow motion. But what gets me is they say you should join up for the two year plan. Isn’t that a paradox though? If you meet your one true love shouldn’t you quit ScrUber?
Mario: Hmm. I hadn’t thought of it like that. But that’s enough about ScrUber. What about you? What’s it like living in Iceland?
Mel: Oh, pretty much like Australia I suppose.
Mario: Really! Isn’t it cold?
Mel: Oh, cold. Yes of course. And… icy. Very icy in Iceland you know. As I said, just like Australia except for the cold and ice. And the polar bears. Christ, we are forever shooing polar bears from out of the backyard – and don’t get me started on the penguins – always dropping their little messages on the washing.
Mario: Dropping them? I thought penguins always waddled on the ground.
Mel: Well…not Icelandic penguins, they’re a breed apart.
Mario: So interesting and so mysterious. Which part of Iceland are you from?
Mel: The capital.
Mario: Which is…?
Mel: Well, you know it’s…Ice…err, it’s Ice City. Yes, Ice City is the capital of Iceland. But enough about me. How about you? What’s it like working in the legal profession?
Mario: Oh, you know, up to my neck in legal documents all day. It’s all about the documents. So many of them.
Mel: What type of legal documents?
Mario: Well…legal ones. About legal stuff. That sort of thing
Mel: Ah, but what’s in them really? Sordid affairs? Murder? Blackmail? I’d love to know the details.
Mario: I’d like to tell you but there’s professional ethics, client confidentiality and all that.
Mel: Wow. I totally understand. I respect that so much. Oh Mario, you are such an interesting man. Can we go some place cultural for our date?
Mario: How about the Art Gallery? I hear they are having an exhibition of the Milan masters called the ‘Life Imitates Art: Retrospective.’
Mel: Yes, please.
[They both stand and smile at each other. Mario takes Mel’s hand in hers and they exit stage right. Mel’s voice is heard,]
Mel [from off stage]: Oh, I left my jacket on the chair.
Mario’s [from off stage]: It’s okay, I’ll get it.
[Mario comes back on stage and picks up Mel’s jacket and sniffs at the collar as though in ecstasy]
Mario:
The smell of Mel is so swell,
and the sound of her name chimes like a bell,
To all of my friends, this joy I shall tell,
(Except Ben, he can go to hell).
Mel will be my Miss Iceland or Miss Aruba,
And from this day on, I owe my happiness to ScrUber.
* * *
Scene 3: The Art Gallery. Mario and Mel enter stage left. They both stand before the first painting – ‘The Revolution’
Mel: Shouldn’t we have bought a guide? I wouldn’t know how to interpret modern art on my own.
Mario: Let me help you. I know a thing or two about art.
Mel: Oh Mario, you are so cultural!
Mario: Not just art but the ballet and museums as well.
Mel: You’re not just cultural, you’re multicultural.
Mario: Take this painting for instance. What do you see?
Mel: Just some black blobs on a red background. Reminds me of my grandma’s raspberry jelly surprise.
Mario: A lot of people would think that. But this painting symbolises the struggle of the working class in the post-modern era, with the black shapes representing the faceless workers and the red the all powerful state-industrial machine. Can you see it now?
Mel: I’m not sure. But if you say so. You are amazing, Mario. Tell me about this next painting.
Mario: It’s called ‘The River’. What do you see?
Mel: It’s blue like my loo after I put one of those toilet ducks in it. I give up Mario.
Mario: I see the artist’s connection with the waters of creation. It reminds me of the embryo of the artist’s creative child. And, it matches your eyes. Viewing this watery creation can make the viewer want to–
Mel: Ooh, excuse me, I feel the sudden urge for a tinkle. I’ll be back.
[Mel hands him her coat and exits. On stage Mario cuddles the coat like a lover. Mel returns]
Mario: Mel, can you hold my phone, I also need to pee.
[Mario hands Mel the phone and runs off stage. His phone rings. After three rings there is a beep and a voice speaks to a recorded message.]
Ben’s voice (on the phone): Hey Mario, don’t forget to bring the truck ‘round to Flemings Solicitors at 7:30 on Monday. We have to shred a whole bunch or documents. After that we need to pick up some documents from Williams & Williams and take them to the tip. These new Freedom of Information laws are great for our business, hey? It’s surprising how much people will pay to destroy the truth! Okay, see you on Monday. [Mel looks wide-eyed at the phone. Her body is heaving. Mario comes back onstage.]
Mario: Mel? Are you fantasizing again?
Mel: [turning on him] It is you who is living the fantasy. You are the one claiming to be a lawyer. You, with your legal documents and bullshit. And it turns out all along you are just a driver from some bloody document shredding company. And here I was thinking you would be my Atticus Finch. Oh, Mario, Mario, not only have you lied to me but you have contravened article 5 of the ScrUber disclosure agreement.
Mario: That’s rich coming from you. You, who claims to come from Iceland. Since when did Icelanders start speaking with bogan Aussie accents. And when I was setting my ScrUber profile to ‘taken’ I just happened to google the capital of Iceland. And you know what? The capital of Iceland is Rejk…Rej…well it’s not bloody Ice City.
[They stare at each other for a moment then Mel bursts into tears. She starts speaking through sobs]
Mel: Mario?
Mario: Yes, Mel.
Mel: You set your profile to taken?
Mario: Yes.
Mel: I only lied to make me sound more mysterious. More cultural. Nobody ever finds Melinda Buckley from Tamworth interesting. But the truth is I really like you and now…and now…I’ve stuffed everything up.
Mario: I do find you interesting, Mel. And pretty too. And you are honest, except for the lies that is. But who am I to talk? I lied to you, too. Of course I’m not a lawyer. I only wanted to make you respect me. And I memorised all that stuff at the Art Gallery from the guide I’d bought earlier. All I can say is that–
Mario and Mel (together): I lied for love.
[They stop and walk towards each other. They hold hands and kiss tenderly. Mel takes Mario by the hand and leads him around to centre stage. They both look up at the painting of ‘The Union’ in the centre of the invisible wall. Mel stares at the painting as if awestruck.]
Mel: I can tell you about this painting. It’s all clear to me.
Mario: What is it?
Mel: It shows the coming together of two souls and how you can find love in the internet age. It’s all so true. Let’s sit on this bench. [Mel pulls Mario towards her on the bench and they start making out. Mel stops and takes out her phone and holds it at arm’s length.]
Mario: What are you doing?
Mel: Call me crazy but I want to take a selfie and post it on FaceX.
Mario: Good idea. I’ll take one as well.
[Mario switches on his phone.]
Mel and Mario [together]: Three…Two…One…Cheese!
[The phones flash]
THE END
Photo by Blake Cheek on Unsplash
